I am Blank

I currently have no plan, and that is very unlike me.

It was a long road getting here, and it’s one that I am particularly unhappy with.

I’ve always had a plan, even if it wasn’t a good one, and I took a lot of comfort and security in knowing that I had a plan. High School? No problem. Going to college. College? No problem. Gonna be an editor. Graduation. Cool stuff. Got a job interview. Didn’t get the job I wanted… ow. Ok. Change plans. Work a high-paying job for now. Job turns out to be miserable. It’s ok, I’m going to be a missionary. I’m stressed about the mission trip, but it’s ok, I have 10 months to find out my purpose in life…

This is a dramatic oversimplification, if that wasn’t apparent.

So I finish this mission trip, and I don’t have a plan. Cool. Small panic. Make a plan. Pray about it. People ask me to come back to Vietnam. Great. I have a plan. How do I get there, I need training. Sweet. Gonna get me some training.

And for the last three months, every ounce of my plan has fallen apart, and it’s because of one very important thing.

And I want you to listen to this, because this is something really vulnerable for me. I’m good at talking about my past mistakes because I’ve already sorted them and moved past them, and I’m good at talking about a plan that I’m moving towards because I can use that as a barrier. I’m not a failure of a person because I’m working towards something great. That makes me great.

So hear me out.

I do not value myself for who I am, and because I have not been able to capitalize on any of the plans that I have made, I see myself as wasted potential.

It affects more aspects of my life than I anticipated too. It affects my friendships, for example. If you go any amount of time without seeing me, I’ll lead the conversation with what I’m doing, and not who I am or what fun I’ve had, because I only see the value in what I’m doing or could be doing. It’s probably why I’ve been afraid to date too. It’s also affected my fundraising. Now that my plans have fallen through, I’m afraid to ask you guys for support because I don’t think me asking you to support someone who doesn’t have a plan is a waste.

So let me tell you where I am now. I was planning on opening a business in Vietnam, but there are aspects of my health that need to be taken care of before that’s a possibility again. My secondary plan was then to apply for the Long-Term Missions department here at AIM, but there are no open positions for me. I could receive the training and work for the department, but there would be no financial compensation.

The leader of LTM said to me, “You can’t make a life-changing decision based off of a need for security. You need to fast and pray about this.”

And that’s definitely what I’ve been doing. I’ve been trying to find that sweet spot of being paid (and therefore receiving security) and doing something that is emotionally sustainable for me. I’ve never looked at it that way, but as a 26-year old male with no career and college debt… that’s definitely what it was.

So I’m taking this time now to live without the security of a plan and to see what God has to say about me. I’m learning my gifts (the ones that I feel like I’ve never used) and the things about me that are valuable (the things that I oppressed because they’re not “useful”) in this time.

I have a humble request for you. I originally came to this program driven and with a plan, but I was dishonest with myself about my goals, and I asked you to support me in a goal that ran a high risk of burning me out and really hurting me. 

So I’m now asking you to support me in learning who I am as a person, to be healed in the wounds from my past, and to help me prepare for what’s next–which is a thing that I decidedly do not know. I still need to fundraise $4,800 within the next month and I am dependent on your support, so please pray for my emotional and spiritual health, but also pray and consider if you want to support me financially.

As always, thank you for your time, and God bless you.